Well, I finally did it.
Not achieved my goal of world domination, I mean. Still working on that, but I've achieved the next best thing: a total reconstruction of the Xasersite with actual dynamic content. While it may not totally imply a complete return to power just yet, it at least allows me to post actual blog updates and generate new content without doing awful things like editing raw HTML and uploading it via FTP. I'm not entirely sure how I managed to stay sane.
Ah, I remember now -- I avoided ever updating the site. That's it. Not that I managed to stay sane (or ever was) anyway, but that's a story for another era.
So, yep. This is apparently what happens when you lock a bored Xaser in a single room for several weeks, it seems. How terrifying.